You know how it’s become all trendy to, like, try to go back in time and read Paul in his original context or whatever? As in, “Oh, Paul lived in the period known as Second-Temple Judaism, so in order to understand Galatians we need to know what those Judaizers stood for,” blah blah blah? Well, I got to thinking about this trend toward old-school theology, and I think it’s pretty awesome. The older the better, I say.That’s why I’m going to start espousing what I call the New Perspective on Saul. I mean, if we’re going to go old-school, let’s go all the way back—I’m talking ad-frickin-fontes, baby. Because if everything just gets perverted over time, then the farther back you go, the better stuff will be, right?
Being Pauline is gay. I say, let’s be Sauline!
I haven’t quite worked out the intricacies of my new theological movement yet, but I’m thinking it’s for sure going to make a big deal out of the whole idea of grace. Now, grace is an easy thing to misunderstand, so let me explain what I mean. My movement will say that it’s totally by God’s grace that we get to be a part of God’s people, which is pretty awesome, right? There’s, like, nothing we can do to get in, so we can’t take any credit for anything. Of course, once we’re in we have to make sure we do a bunch of good things so we don’t get kicked out onto the street and end up totally disinherited, but that kind of comes with the territory. The thing to remember is, we get in by grace alone!
And when it comes to figuring out exactly what kinds of good works we need to do to stay in God’s family, it’s easy. Just go straight to the Old Testament and read all about it there (you know, all those "blessings and curses" passages from the Law). It’s not rocket science or anything—the tenure of Israel in the land is exactly like us in the church today, so just like they lived under the constant threat of exile, so do we (but of course, for us it’s not getting shipped off to Babylon that we need to get all worried about, it’s America losing its power in the world. But seriously, that won’t ever happen! Not as long as we keep the terms of our national covenant with God and all.)
So there you have it, a truly killer vintage theology for the new millennium!
Now I know what you’re thinking: “But what about the New Covenant? Isn’t that supposed to be pretty important or whatever?” Hmmm, let’s see. Howsabout while you’re pondering that question I’ll be over here savoring some delicious pork chops while chopping wood on a Saturday. Oh, you want some pork chops, too? Well here you go, amigo! You can thank Jesus for these!
Man, this whole New Perspective on Saul way of life just rocks—eating shell fish, violating the Sabbath, not circumcising my kids, living a good enough life to be justified—I don’t know why I didn’t think this up sooner. And to think how hard life was before Jesus came along! Peter and all those guys at the Jerusalem Council were right to whine and moan about life under Moses versus life under Christ. I mean, have you ever actually tried a kosher hotdog at a ballgame? Because until you've tried to stomach one of those things, you’ll never truly appreciate how superior the New Covenant is.
< /satire >






